“The ego is the false self-born out of fear and defensiveness.” ― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic WisdomAs of late Matt and I have spent many a nights listening to our neighbours yell and scream at each other. Not just the regular bickering, but the whole "f*** you!" and "I'm leaving!" kind of screaming matches that normally would end a relationship. But yet we keep hearing them go at it.
I used to be a fighter. I loved arguing with people and coming out as the winner. I would even go as far to say that I fed off of conflict. The adrenaline rush from a good fight was almost like a high and as any fighter can relate, I'd do anything to be right.
But in relationships their are no winners. I've realized that when you win, you are forcing your partner to lose. You are knowingly hurting the person you love and hopefully want to spend the rest of your life with. More often than not, this is because people bring their egos to their fights. Instead of thinking about what is best for the unit, you end up thinking about how you want to be right and you'll do anything it takes to achieve that outcome.
If you have found yourself in the above scenario I want you to take a step back and think about what you actually achieved. Instead of wanting to be right, why not leave your ego at the door and shift your focus to how to resolve the issue and have both people be happy with the result? Why not work together as a team so that you can stop fighting and start enjoying each others company?
In our relationship, not everything is sunshine and rainbows. I don't want you thinking this will remove all conflict, because it won't. There are lots of instances where we disagree, offend each other or are just in a bad mood and it causes conflict. But by keeping our eyes on the end game they usually get resolved pretty quickly without feelings getting hurt. Instead of our egos going to war, we act as a team to get to a resolution as quickly as possible. After all, Matt is my partner in crime. It's him and I against the world. That is the attitude you should have in a relationship.
So next time your partner says something that makes you mad or you two disagree on something, think about what you want to achieve in the end, leave your ego at the door and just focus on getting back to a conflict free state.